Fighting should be your absolute last option. Before any physical confrontation, there's almost always a window where you can defuse the situation, create distance, and get away without anyone getting hurt. That window is where de-escalation lives.
Create Space First
Before you say a word, move. Physical distance between you and a potential threat reduces the chance of immediate harm and gives you time to think.
- Back up. Step away calmly. Don't turn your back.
- Use barriers. Put a table, a car, a counter, a shopping cart between you and the other person. Physical objects slow someone down and create separation.
- Move toward people. Head for populated areas, open businesses, or anywhere others can see what's happening.
Distance changes the math for everyone involved. At 10 feet apart, the situation is different than at arm's reach. Create that gap.
Control Your Body Language
How you carry yourself communicates more than your words. In a tense situation:
- Keep your hands visible. Hidden hands make people nervous. Open palms signal that you're not a threat.
- Don't cross your arms. Crossed arms look defensive or confrontational. Stand with an open posture.
- Avoid aggressive eye contact. Brief eye contact is fine. Staring someone down can escalate things. Look toward them without locking eyes.
- Stay still. Avoid fidgeting, pacing, or sudden movements. Calm body language helps calm the situation.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
If you need to speak, keep these principles in mind:
Do:
- Speak in a calm, low voice. Volume and pitch matter more than words.
- Acknowledge what the other person is feeling without agreeing with their actions. "I can see you're upset" works without validating aggression.
- State your boundaries clearly. "I'm going to leave now" is direct and non-confrontational.
- Use short, simple sentences. Tense situations aren't the time for long explanations.
Don't:
- Yell, insult, or challenge the other person. This pours gasoline on the fire.
- Argue or try to prove a point. Being "right" doesn't matter if it puts you in danger.
- Tell someone to "calm down." Those two words have never calmed anyone down in the history of conflict.
- Make threats. Verbal threats can make a volatile person feel cornered, which often makes things worse.
Know Your Boundaries
De-escalation only works up to a point. You need to know, in advance, where your line is. If someone follows you after you've created distance, if they block your exit, if they produce a weapon, the situation has changed. At that point, you switch from de-escalation to escape and defense.
Having pepper spray or a personal alarm accessible gives you options if de-escalation fails. The alarm draws attention and disrupts focus. Pepper spray creates distance from up to 10 feet away. Both buy you time to run.
Emotional Regulation Is the Foundation
None of this works if your own emotions are out of control. When fear or anger takes over, you react instead of respond. You say things that escalate. You freeze when you should move.
Practice managing your emotional responses in low-stakes situations. Notice when you feel your heart rate rising in everyday frustrations: traffic, a rude interaction, a stressful phone call. Those moments are training opportunities for the high-stakes situations you hope never come.
De-escalation isn't weakness. It's the smart play. It keeps you safe without the physical risk, legal consequences, and emotional cost of a fight. Save fighting for when there's truly no other option.
Lisa Boggs is a black belt in karate, kickboxing instructor, and the founder of Safety Smarts.